Another One Bites the Dust...

Greetings from Fall Break land. I almost forgot how awesome a concept fall break is. I hope everyone is enjoying their MBA free week (and for those of you who have started doing homework for Mod 2... i am shaming you from a distance). Sorry to all of you who still have to work... suckas!

We're now nearing the end of October and the chill has begun to settle in. You all know what thism means: hibernation season is upon us. It's that lovely time of year where I wear only sweatpants and sweatshirts and NEVER leave the comfort of my heated home. (Oh and Doppler, yes the girls are out of storage and ready for a winter return to glory!) Now this poses a problem considering my current state of mind.

The story begins with a phone call i received on my way to dinner with my parents this evening. It was from my favorite Academy bus ride companions: HSA. She called to inform me that A#1: she is super pumped to come to ND for the Cuse game in a few weeks and B#2: that she is engaged (btw... congrats again!) Now usually this sort of information makes me happy and excited for my friends... but not this time. No, this information sent my brain into poor self esteem OVERLOAD. I can't handle any more engagement news. Not only am I single (and living in the piss poor gender relations capital of the world: South Bend) but I have an exponentially long streak going on. And is it just me or does there seem to be a lot of pregnant ladies walking around strutting their giant bellies with that little smirk on their face that says: "i'm getting some, and you're not!" Whatever happened to the days when the preggers people would wear mumus and look tired all the time? No, now they have to be "cute" pregnant ladies and look better at 35 weeks than I do on my best day.

So where did this news leave me? Sitting on the couch eating pretzels and frosting (jealous Mags and J?) watching America's Next Top Model and thinking that I am going to be alone for the rest of my life. Maybe it's a sign... with the piss poor market and lack of jobs out there... maybe I should just go and make the streak official and become a nun. I mean... afterall... black is slimming right?

I think what I need to do is stop giving off the "No Vibe." (ie, punching people, judging people, wearing sports bras on a regular basis.. you know... basically acting like my every day self.) Last thursday, i thought i had made a break through. It was the return of the trifeca: make up, push up bra (the first one i've ever worn... since my roommate said i should "invest" in one... what an ass... i'd like to see him have underwire poking at his man boobs all night), and lady deodorant (ie, not old spice high endurance... even though it is the BEST deodorant in the world, EVER!) And did i capitalize... no? I spend the entire night sitting at the bar with my red fleece zipped up to my chin watching baseball. Although, let's be honest, this was a look I'm not quite ready to pull of yet.

So I figure there's a few steps I can take to looking "hot" which are probably not going to happen any time in the near future"
1) Lose the braces... sorry folks, I have effed up teeth... they aren't coming off for a LONG time!
2) Lay off the sauce... right, this is Notre Dame, drinking beer in excess isn't just a talent: it's a lifestyle.
3) Hit the Gym: This is attainable... but with the way i'm looking, I'd have to be at rolfs 8 hours a day for at least 6 months to get the hot body I was told to get back in the summer before i started school. And considering the "professional spring breakers" (aka those dudes who only hit the gym once a year for the sole purpose of looking good in board shorts for spring break... they can also be found in the tanning salon... and Club Fever) will be regulars at rolfs again, I may spend more time booting in the bathroom that burning calories on the stair master.

And let's take a second to talk about binge drinking in grad school. The ever sage former co worker of mine, Teets, used to tell me all the time that I could easily break my streak if I would just get drunk at a bar. Guys are always looking for drunk chicks to make out with at bars. Well, apparently NOT! I have been drunk at many bars since i've been in school... well two bars, but i've been tanked at both of them on multiple occassions and I (think) still go home alone every time! WTF? When did the boys my age become mature and don't hit on drunk girls any more... it is a sad, sad state when girls can't even get guys when drunk. (Unless you're a SMC chick of course!)

Soup For One,
Anita Mann

Butt Touching

Ok people. It's time for Anita to rant a little bit. I'm pretty sure I've mentioned this before, but it appears as though you all need a bit of refresher. BUTT TOUCHING IS NOT OK!!! I truly don't understand the fascination with any sort of grabbing, carressing or down right slapping. For me, I have zero desire to touch anything that surrounds that cavity separating the general population from your lower GI tract.

Let me put this out there boys. There are parts of a chicks body that she'll always be self conscious about. Usually these parts involve places where there's some flab (for me this is anything between my forehead and my knees.) Do you honestly think she wants this area touched? Do you want someone grabbing at your cankles or spare tire? I think not! General rule: wherever lipids are prone to accumulate (ie, guts and butts), these should be hands free zones.

Now here is my second beef. Since I've returned back to school, I've noticed a quite disturbing trend: confidence levels and correlating aggressiveness (yikes, i'm starting to sound like Sarv) of the male population. Can you explain to me why they guys who you want to show some assertiveness have zero confidence and never make a move? Yet the skeezy guys with horrendo personalities and look like they've been beaten with an ugly stick think that they are Gods gift and I should be glad they're hitting on me. News flash: YOU SUCK AT LIFE!! Take a look in the mirror and ask your friends (if you even have any) if you're the type of person who should be really aggressive with girls. Odds are the answer is a big NO.

But don't get me wrong... as a chick who refuses to make any kind of move, whatsoever, we need guys out there who will at least put themselves out there. I'm just asking that you don't come at me with your mouth wide open and your tongue handing out... oh and don't touch my butt. For example, last night at the Backer, I got "dance raped" by some skeevy guy and wouldn't let me get away. Dude, back the truck up. I dont know you, you're ugly and kind of smell bad. Do you honestly think that I'm going to make out with you by the pole with everyone watching? Sorry buddy, you don't have a snowball's chance in hell. Go try that stuff on the freshmen at Finnegans. (Yes, I know what you're thinking... you haven't gotten any in eons so you probably shouldn't be so picky. But to that I say... yes I do need to get some, but the slump buster is not going to be someone who looks and acts like rodney dangerfield... i'm looking for my own jim halpert.)

So what's your best bet? The model isn't that hard to figure out. Buy me a drink, show some interest by hanging out with me (and if i want you to take a hike... take my BLATENT hints), and maybe make sure i get home safely. That's all I ask... in fact i think that's all most normal ladies want... not to get groped at a bar with the expectation of public tonsil hockey. SICK!

Back it up!
Anita Mann