Toledo, OH: Land of Opportunity?

Well, it's been way too long since I've posted and I feel that I have some serious explaining to do. First of all, I apologize for all of the drunk blogging last week. Apparently, when you have been out of college for two plus years and you don't drink every night of the week, the smell of alcohol will go right to your head. Oh, and now I know what a real hang over is like. I'm pretty sure that what I thought were hang overs in college were actually just sheer exhaustion from drinking and dancing at Boat Club. And trust me, hang overs are zero fun and can only be cured with bad reality TV and McDonald's breakfast.

Anyway, I've been jetsetting all of the country lately. Two weekends ago I ventured out to Toledo, OH for Jetswim & Sadow's wedding. I took some much needed time off of work to hang out in the midwest. At first, I was more than a little skeptical to be visiting a place where the nearest metropolis is Detroit and they refer to soda as "pop." But I kept an open mind and dubbed Toledo, "Land of Opportunity." I mean, hey, I could easily find myself an unsuspecting midwestern boy whom I would affectionatly refer to as "Slump Buster."

The first full day of the trip started off like every day of the trip: with Kimmy making bacon and eggs and me freaking out about potential terrorist plots to blow up my plane back to Baltimore the following Sunday. Don't ask! We surprised Jetswim with a bachelorette party at Cedar Point. Cedar Point was an excellent education on the culture of W.T. On the drive in through lovely Sandusky, OH I saw local eateries like Dickey's Barbeque Pitt and realized that the only people who actually work at Cedar Point are Eastern Europeans. You should all know how much I value Jetswim, because if it wasn't for her, I never would have set foot in the place. I'm sorry but the idea of waiting in line for over an hour with 500 small children in summer camps to ride a roller coaster that would send my blood pressure through the roof causing a small coronary just does not sound like my idea of a good time. But, nevertheless, I went. While the rest of the wedding party waited in line for the Millennium Roller Coaster, I sat on a park bench near the ride's entrance with the elderly, mentally handicapped, and overweight who got rejected from the ride due to their obesity. I thought, well, maybe I can chat up a cute guy who got separated from his friends. WRONG! While my hour and a half by myself did make for some excellent people watching, the closest thing to a cute guy I saw was a mid twenties gentleman pushing his three bastard children in a stroller smoking a cigarette and wearing a wife beater, shorts that were five sizes too big and a Yankees hat whose brim was as wide and as stiff as a post-pubescent boy's morning wood. I truly do not know what is worse: Jersey Guidos or Midwestern Dog Patch. I quickly came to the realization while I was there that I was way overdressed in my khaki shorts and white tank top. Apparently, proper dress for female Ceder Point guests are hot pants and bikini tops with massive amounts of Stretch Marks highly recommended. Oh and I'm pretty sure if you have a mullett, you automatically get pushed to the front of the line.

I pretty much spent all day waiting for the wedding party to ride the roller coasters and counted down the minutes until we could leave. By the end of the day, however, I worked up the courage to get on a baby roller coaster called "The Corkscrew." Unfortunately for me, I didn't know what the ride was called and could not see the twists and turns that awaited me until I was half way up the first hill. I pretty much wanted to off myself the entire time I was on the stupid thing and it only lasted two and a half minutes, but it was the longest two and a half minutes of my life. I do not understand what people see in roller coasters. I dont think that getting thrown around in an open air vehicle at 60 mph while your heart is pounding is very fun. If you want to have a real rush by living on the edge, walk around barefoot at MaGerks... now that is real danger.

That night before we headed out to the bar, we did your typical bachelorette stuff. You know, giving the bride rediculous lingerie that she'll never wear, reading erotic novels and playing '"pin the macho on the man." As much fun as penis humor is, we could not wait to get to the bar to get the real party started. We went to a local Sylvania, OH watering hall called 'Frogtown Johnnies' and this portion of the party was co-ed and even included the bride's parents. Ma and Pa Alge were generous enough to purchase everyone a round of tequila shots. However, instead of looking for potential Slump Busters, I spent the evening playing a game called 'Nudie Picture Find' with the bride and being the bar's DJ with jean-dawg. I'm pretty sure that I spent more money on the juke box than alcohol that night playing songs like "It Wasn't Me" and "Ms. New Booty"

As the night was winding down and everyone decided it was time to go home, I realized that I had wasted an entire day in The Land of Opportunity and still had no hopes of going to bone city in sight. We did manage to bring a boy home with us that night to proceed in eating hours old cold pizza and reviving our rousing game of "Pin The Macho On The Man." Since no one is allowed to sleep on the Bride's couch for fear of pee or puke stains, this lucky lad got to sleep in the King Sized bed with two girls. Not the two single girls in the house mind you, but a girl with a boyfriend and the bride herself.

The next two days were pretty much the best days of my life. We sat around all day watching Proj Run reruns and tons of Maury Povich while eating Cheez-Its and Chocolate Cake. I'm pretty sure that since we are all old ladies now and cannot function with no less than 8 hours of sleep, we all took 4 hour naps around lunch time. It was pretty much the best vacation of my life! And the best part of it all? I got paid the entire time... god bless PTO. OK, my fingers are getting tired now so I'll continue tomorrow with my stories from the actual wedding. You'll hear all about the various groomsmen, who let me tell you, are interesting people and find out if I actually made it to bone city.

Wishing I was back in the 419,
Anita Mann

Bachelorette Party 2K6

Good news, i am once agin intoxicated and am currently involved in a game of oin te penis on the man. THe group invloves me, j-dawg, jetswim, kimmy, streicher and streicher's brother... that's right, there's a dude playing a game with weeners. I'm pretty sure that jetswim just cheated and kept her eyes oep n when she put the cholcolate penis on the man. And streicher affirmatavely put the penis on the wall, not on the pster at all. In fact, its a good foot from the poster.

And now fora guest blogger:

this is a wild wild evening. who's joseph? jkl; brigette is wearing a a boa around her waist, it's looped through the belt loops. i am trying to give all the readers the play-by-play but i am too slow and the hijinx are happening too fast. we're playing "pin the macho on the man" which is like pin the tail on the mule but racier. brigette just put the macho on the wall! she missed the poster entirely! that's unfortunate! now we're discussin' what base constitutes what kind of sexual behavior. there's some controversy over 2nd. i think it's anal, but it might be spooning. ouch! ouch! this just in! your blogger might hook up with the groom's zima-guzzling brother because word on the street is he knows asia is an 80s supergroup and not a country. thank you! thqnk you! i'll be around town!

Me So Horny,
Anita Mann

Margaritas and Tuesday Nights, Not A Good Combination

Dearest friends and lovers,

Good news, it's tuesday night and I'm back to writing and better than ever!!! I'm sure you've all missed me. But don't worry nothing much has happened, other than the fact that I'm tipsy on a Tuesday night in toledo, oh. Dude, i'm not even kidding, i went to this place tonight with jetswim and j-dawg and gibs to have the best margaritas in ohio and let me tell you, those margs freakin put hair on your tongue. Dinner conversation consisted of the groomsmen discussing nips, ok maybe that was me, but for real, they told me about Spiderman and Chief Joseph. They are sexual positions that people do here in Ohio and I'm pretty sure that they involve the butt depot, which I am not ok with. PS I just ended a sentence with a preposition, and I'm also not cool with that.

So, I'm watching Flavor of Love and apparently someone poops in the lobby. That's gross. Pooping belongs in the bathroom and no where else. What would Brigitte Nielsen think? Anyway, that was a side note. I'm sure that you are all wondering what I have been up to recently. Well, I've done a lot, but they do not involve going anywhere in the vicinity of bone city. Friday night was my favorite asian co-worker's birthday and we went duck pin bowling. Basically, i got drunk, did my best imitation of America's Next Top Model, and I"m pretty sure I pulled a muscle somewhere in my lower half from the bowling, not from going to bone city. If only I was sore from tons of boneage, but no, I am condemned to a life of celibacy and maybe on my way to the convent.

Ok, I'm tired now and am getting ready to pass out. I'll continue tomorrow when i have more energy.

I love booze,
Anita Mann

Why Buy the Cow When You Can Get The Milk For Free?

First of all I want to start off talking about something completely unrelated, and that topic is: Titanic. The other day i was browsing throught the On Demand movies, and saw that titanic was an option. So what's a single gal to do on a monday night in Baltimore? Watch Titanic! After not having seen the film in approximately 8 years, I found the movie more humerous than sad. Somehow this masterpiece won eleven academy awards, the same amount as Ben Hur with dialogue like: "I'd rather be his whore than your wife!" Awesome! But the real farce of the movie Leonardo DiCaprio being the heartthrob of the movie. I mean, he's skinny and wears suspenders! No, the real sexy beast was Bill Paxton's character. Damn, now he was hot. Almost pirate like with his blonde hair, tanned skin and gold hoop earring. Give me Bill Paxton over Leo ANY day of the week!

OK, now back on point. The topic of conversation in my cubicle this morning was the question of how many people one has to sleep with to become a giant slut. Pretty much the only thing that was agreed upon was that if your number is over fifty, you're a giant ho. But really gets my blood boiling is that the number is different for guys and girls. If a girl's number is anywhere around 20, she's considered a slut. But if a guy has the same number, it's not only ok, but it's expected. Probably because guys have that mentality that they meet a girl at a bar, get her wasted then go to her place and pound her out and go home before the sun comes up. It a huge double standard. If a girl has a one night stand with a guy, that's trashy, but if a guy has a one night stand then he is THE MAN! So I dont' know how this is actually working out. Unless all these dudes are one night standing with each other, I dont understand where they are finding all of these loose girls!

But what is even scarier is that with all of these man whores and lady sluts out there a clean girl like myself will never know what she's gonna catch. Eventually these STDs are gonna morph into airborne infections. You won't have to have genital to genital contact to contract one, you'll just have to look at a guy funny and all of a sudden you're diagnosed with Syphillis.

I think that the discrepancy between the qualifications to become "affordable and convenient" is that guys and girls have different perceptions of sex. Girls want to feel a connection with someone before they give it up. They don't want to just get pounded out then roll over and go to sleep. There is more risk involved for girls. Not only do they not want to wake up one day with a burning sensation when they pee, but they also do not want to pro-create. Guys on the other hand still have that cave man mentality that they just want to spread their seed. I guess that is why it's ok for guys to sleep around and have anonymous sex, but for girls it's much more taboo.

Girls are going to be much more attracted to guys who have only been with a few people. Probably because they know that there is less of a risk of contracting crabs, but also because it show sthat they've been in at least one committed relationship. Again, because females are more interested in nesting and not in spreading their seed, a guy who shows that he isn't afraid to committed to one person, you, is much more attractive than a guy who just sticks it in any random open hole.

Sex is cleaner with a packaged weener,
Anita Mann

The Four Hour Strip Show

For those of you who haven't left your houses all summer, it's hot outside. In fact, it's so hot outside that the Baltimore hookers are going to church to get out of the heat and into the air conditioning. And the best part about the heat wave? It has no signs of ending any time in the near future, which is super because I am going to be in a wedding next weekend in a church with no air conditioning. Oh and did I meantion that the dress is black?

Has anyone ever worn a bridesmaid dress? Well no matter how many measurements you take, the dress will not fit when it arrives. I was a little depressed when I had ordered the dress because the sizing chart indicated that I needed a size fourteen. That is one size away from being plus size but then I thought to myself, well, maybe the dresses run small. When the dress arrived, I put it on totally expecting to be swimming in it. Well, since the dress was a size fourteen and my bra size is a 34 nearly A, the top certainly was beyond too big. Never in my life had i seen my boobs flapping in the wind while inside a dress.

But for as big as the top of the dress was, the waist was that small. Honestly, I put on the dress and could barely zip it up. Sweet, my large and in charge beer gut cannot even fit into a size fourteen dress. At least the dress did zip up and I thought, we'll i can stand to be a little uncomforable for a few hours. I took the dress to the tailor to get hte top fitted so that I won't look indecent in church. She shortened the straps and pulled the dress up so that my top would actually fit into my dress. I think with the amount of fabric that was cut off the top, she could have made an entirely new dress.

Fast forward two weeks later. I picked up the dress from the tailor, brought it home and tried it on for the last time before the wedding. I stepped into the dress and could tell already that the seamstress had done an excellent job fitting the top of the dress. As I went to zip up, I noticed that I had a big problem. Because the dress was pulled up to accomodate the top, the already too small waist was pulled up even higher. I could no longer zip the dress all the way up. But no worries, when you have a gut that hangs over your pants, you have the proper underwear to hide it. I sifted through my underwear drawer, and in addition to finding some rather racey thongs that I dont remember ever wearing, I found my Spanx. Spanx are essentially control top hose without the stocking. It sucks in your thunderthighs (and also prevents chafing) and lower belly. Well, I had half of Stewie taken care of, now I just needed to worry about the top. I went back to my drawer and found what I was looking for: my girdle. Yes, that's right, I own a girdle and I can honestly say that it was one of the best investments I have ever made.

Why am I telling you all of this? Because underneath this dress, which now fits by the way, I will be sporting my chicken cutlet bra and two fat sucking apparati. So even though I may not be able to breathe in this black dress in an un airconditioned church, I'll at least look good. Hopefully good enough to find some unsuspecting midwestern boy with whom I can break the streak. I just hope he doesn't mind the many layers of underwear he'll have to get through.

I'm Fat! Don't Judge Me.
Anita Mann