The "I'm Trying to Attact A Man" Makeover

Congratulations, you've had your sexual awakening! Now, for most of the feminine human race, this occurs sometime during your teens. For me, it was on a bit of a hiatus (aka the streak), and is only now returning now that I'm in my (gasp!) mid twenties. Now, when a girl realizes that yes, she does in fact like boys, she begins to go through what I like to call the "I'm Trying To Attract A Man" Makeover. Basically, it's when she starts beginning to care about what she looks like in public and begins to tailor her own personal style to what she believes will be attractive to the opposite sex.

The make over starts with the incorporation of makeup into the wardrobe. Now, makeup can do wonders for a person. I mean, have you ever seen Oprah without her makeup? It's a scary phenomenon and I am a firm believer that all those celebrities we think are so "beautiful" only appear that way because they have an army of hair and make up artists specifically trained to make them look that way. I mean, if I had someone doing my make up every day I'd look hot too. Basically she starts using eyeshadow and lipstick and tends to end up looking more like a $2 hooker than enhancing her features. Once she gets the idea that she in fact looks like a prostitute, she starts to soften her look a bit and introduces herself to foundation. If she is lucky enough to learn how to find the right color for her skin (not the brozed orange she dillusionally thinks is her natural skin color) then she has to learn how to properly apply it. I cannot tell you how many girls walk around with a distinct line underneath her chin where the makeup stops and her skin starts. Now that the girl has begun using make up in her daily routine, she can never take it off. Why? Well for the same reason celebrities always wear makeup. People get used to you looking hot and the second the makeup comes off... its like night of the living dead in broad daylight. Plus the excessive amounts of foundation help to cover the face full of acne developed from the massive amounts of make up use. It's a vicious cycle.

Next, the girl starts changing her wardrobe. She ditches the amazingly comfortable wife beaters and sweatpants and opts for some more form fitting and revealing clothing. She may decide to start wearing skirts. Skirts can be cute, but be warned, they're called clothes for a reason. They're meant to cover your body, not expose your hoo ha at a moments notice. There's also one other big problem with wearing skirts: chafing. Don't act like it doesn't happen because there are approximately 5 people in the world whose legs don't rub together when they walk and those people all vomit after every meal. After a night of walking around with your legs rubbing together all you want to do is sit down on a couch spread eagle with a bag of ice on each inner thigh. I'm sure that'll bring the boys a runnin. A second option is to start wearing tight pants. Hey, I'm all for tight pants IF I DIDN"T WANT TO SIT DOWN ALL NIGHT. Besides when it comes time to take the tight pants off at night, you end up with seem marks on your legs where the tightness cut off the circulation to your feet.

So now you think, well i need to fit into my tight pants so clearly I need to hit the gym and loose some poundage. Now, I'm a big fan of staying healthy to stay healthy. I am not a big fan of those girls who go to the gym in sports bras and spandex and read various GSSMs on the elliptical while listening to Justin Timberlake on their ipods. If you're gonna work out, then work out. Get sweaty and don't care what you look like doing it. And please, NO MAKEUP AT THE GYM! Although I warn you. Working out does have one negative side effect. The first area where the pounds come off is on your chest. So if you already have a small rack to begin with, like myself, the second you start working out your boobs will become nonexistent.

The final chapter of the makeover is the intellectual makeover. Because most girls think that all guys want are girls who only interested in their bodies, their minds become like organic health food cereal: nothing but puffed air. They spend most of their time worrying if they look fat and the majority of their conversations consist of giggling and the words: oh my god!

So what does the "I'm Trying to Attract A Man" Makeover leave you with? A flat chested girl with the iq of a piece of fruit, raw thighs and a face full of zits. Look out, here come the hoards of men you were looking for.

Don't hate me b/c I'm beautiful,
Anita Mann