Home Run Derby or Struck Out Looking Derby?

As most of you know, I am back on track with the GSSM tips of the day in finding a man. Yesterday's tip just happened to coinside with a coworkers birthday. The tip was to go to a bar on an off night because bypassing the weekend mobs give you a better shot at connecting with a guy. Too bad all of the guys who go out on off nights are all FREAK SHOW ALCOHOLICS! We started off at a restaurant/bar in Fells Point for dinner and martinis. Much to my dismay, the patron population consisted of only chicks out doing probably the same thing I was: looking for men on an off night. Ok people, this tip only works if the men also go out! There was one guy there, who wasn't too unfortunate looking. Too bad he was sitting with who I can only hope was his mother. There was a mini debate at the table to decide if his dining companion was a cougar or a mother. I like to hope it was a mother and that there is still hope for me yet.

We next headed over to Claddaghs. For those of you who don't live in Baltimore, Claddaghs is kind of like Finnegans. Except they serve food during the day and the unspoken uniform for girls is anything from Bebe with the Bebe prominently displayed somewhere on the outfit preferred. And the athletes are replaced with guidos and white T. So why do I frequent this establishment? Probably because they have $1 Miller Lites and play Every Time We Touch about every five songs. Oh and if you keep your eyes peeled, you can find the occassional decent looking frat boy turned young professional looking for love in all the wrong places, not unlike yourself.

Even though I went out with a pack of Zebras, I tried to remember that the Lion will be more inclined to approach the Squirrel. I spotted a relatively good looking guy (clean cut, polo shirt, well groomed hair... no gold chains and chest hair to be found) sitting at the bar and positioned myself away from the pack to a#1 allow for an easy approach from said Lion and b#2 to get a better view of the Television because David Wright was hitting at the Home Run Derby. I had turned to a fellow Zebra and made a comment about the utter sexiness of David Wright. Apparently this comment was overheard by the Lion and who I can only assume (and pray to god) was is Wing Man. Apparently, living in Baltimore and following a NY team will get you called out because that is exactly what these guys did.

But whatever, did I care? No! I was in. The cute Lion and his wing man were talking and seemed interested in carrying on a conversation. Too bad I didn't recognize the signs to abandon ship earlier. Both dudes were smokers kind of turn off but hey, beggers can't be choosers and according to The Leader of The Pride, I have to lower my standards. Not to mention the fact that the wingman was so drunk that he was attempting to talk on the phone via his Foakley sunglasses, which by the way were secured around his neck with a short lanyard freqently adorned by elderly ladies. Sexy. That's when the conversation turned from strange to bizarre. After joking around with the guys for a few minutes about who the better action star is: Van Damme or Segal the obvious choice being Van Damme!, The guy with streak breaking potential starts going on a rant about why Segal is not cool and started listing facts about segal that no one other than Segal himself should know! I mean really, who has such contempt for Segal that he looks facts up about him on the internet... Scary! Thank god a Better Than Ezra song started playing because I was able to escape the conversation and/or change the subject.

Unfortunatley, I got reeled back into the conversation. The subject matter switched from Segal and Van Damme to music preference. The once intriguing Lion morphed into your typical Weasel said that he enjoyed power ballads from the 80s and 90s. Did he say power ballads? Could I possibly have found someone who enjoys Alone by Heart as much as I do? I had to put him to the test! I asked what he thought about Asia. His response: "I Like Asia. Lots of good countries, some of them have some termoil, but Asia's a good continent." Clearly, if you're response to Asia has to do with the continent and not the 80s supergroup, then clearly you are not the Lion/Weasel hybrid for me. On a side note, if you do not have the song Heat of the Moment by Asia on your ipods, download it IMMEDIATELY. You'll thank me later. It's a great fist pumping song.

But the culmination of this dude's oddness came when he tried to start spitting off jokes to me. And no, they were not the trendy Chuck Norris jokes that are makign their way around the internet. These were dead baby jokes. Seriously. They were jokes about dead babies. I don't even like babies and I did not find them the slightest bit amusing. I feel that he could sense that I wasn't feeling the dead baby jokes, so he explained that you have to be extremely cynical to appreciate them. Umm... HELLO! I am the most cynical person out there besides your angry Stand Up Comic a la Sandra Bernhard. Considering that I get the feeling that I am going to grow up to be the strange lady with cats (and I don't even like cats). I'm pretty sure that qualifies me as cynical. No. These dead baby jokes were just bizarre. No humor to them whatsoever. Call me when you can start quoting lines from The Cutting Edge, then we'll talk.

So what did last night tell us. Yes, if you go to a bar on an off night, you're bound to find someone. But that person you find will either be A) an alcoholic B) Completely whacked out or C) all of the above. The single life is a scary environment. You have to watch your back and just hope that you find someone who has acquired the taste for 80s fist pumping music and does not see the humor in dead babies.

It was the heat of the moment,
Anita Mann