The Best Effing Karaoke You've Ever Heard!
Ok, I need to start off telling everyone that believe it or not, I've actually been doing work while at work lately, hence the lack of daily updates. Also, because of this check back for updates in the evening b/c i'm probably going to have to wait until I get home at night to write something.
Anyway, back on target. I think that the Leader of the Pride has some serious explaining to do. I got a phone call on Saturday afternoon from J-Dawg (a fellow bridesmaid in the upcoming nuptuals of Jetswim and Sadow) and the bride herself. They were spending the afternoon before the bridal shower updating themselves on my quest right here in Charm city. One of the first things they noticed, was a frequent character and antagonist in my sojourn, the Leader of the Pride. They offered their opinion that the Leader is, in fact, a collossal douchebag (my friends are so intuitive). I had to explain to the girls that Mr. Pride is one of those guys who thinks he's cooler and sexier than he is.
Which brings me to my point of the day. For every suave and charming guy out there (The George Clooney types), the kind of guys that girls just swoon over, there are about 20 douchebags out there who think that they are Gods gift not only to women, but the world around them. Guess what? Girls want to feel desired. A girl is going to be much more attracted to a guy who is confident and persistant and who knows how to compliment said girl. The opposite are the arrogant guys who think that the girl should swoon just because he decided to talk to her. You know what? YOU'RE NOT THAT COOL! You're not that attractive and in fact, you kind of make me want to boot. I don't want to hear that you played Division One Lacrosse or that you once judged a wet tee shirt contest in Cancun. I want you to tell me that I am charming and attractive and any guy would be lucky to be with me! And for Thad's sake, grow a pair and make the first move. Your friends and family will be much more impressed when they hear that a guy approached you, not overly intoxicated, and flat out said that he liked you and would like to take you out. And by taking you out, I mean to a nice dinner. Not to go for a walk around the Harbor outside. And if a guy wants to buy a girl a drink, don't hand her a wad of cash and send her to the bar by herself (ahem Leader of the Pride) because then the girl feels more like a hooker than a lady.
But do you know what type of guys I find the most pathetic? The ones that come up behind you while you're dancing with your girls at the bar and make their way closer and closer until in fact they have reached their goal of grinding up against your entrance to the butt depot. I mean honestly, what do these guys expect? Do they honestly think that you are just going be so aroused by their awkward dancing and turn around to immediately reverse makeout? I don't think so! I mean would you buy a used car from an add on craiglist without taking a test drive? No. Then why would you be so excited to hook up with a guy sight unseen? Unless you're a ho... fo sho!
Finally, I have to share this lovely story from saturday night. A group of us went out in Fed Hill to celebrate CEE's birthday and decided on a pub crawl to all of the most infamous bars on Cross Street. After listening to some pretty horrendous karaoke at Nevins, the most amazing performer EVER got up and sang the "best effing karoke we've ever heard!" He started out with a rather erotic rendition of When Doves Cry, complete with a little flash of the beer gut. Then, much to his dismay, the second song he requested came on. That's right he treated us all to a little Greatest Love of All. I like to think that he was singing directly to me. After reminiscing about the night with some coworkers, I decided I missed an opportunity to break the streak wtih a perfect candidate. He was drunk and tone deaf... a man after my own heart.
But I think my favorite person of the night was a guy I spotted across the bar at Crazy Lils. This guy epitomized the Jersey guido in Baltimore. He was overly tan, spent more time at the gym pumping iron than earning a living and had more hair gel in his hair than Cameron Diaz in There's Something About Mary. But what completed his outfit? I think it was: THE MESH SHIRT! It was beyond sexy and all that was missing was a fanny pack. Ok who wears a mesh shirt after 1987? And really what is the purpose of the mesh shirt... are you spending so much time at the gym that you can no longer a shirt without holes in it? Am I supposed to be turned on at the sight of your nipples? I guess that's what the appeal of the mesh shirt is: nipple exposure and the potential to get a classy girl who thinks to herself, Damn, look at those nipples, sexy. I'm sorry, I dont want to see Brad Pitt's nipples let alone some random Jersey guy's nipples at a bar. I consider that a visual assault!
Ho Fo' Sho,
Anita Mann
Anyway, back on target. I think that the Leader of the Pride has some serious explaining to do. I got a phone call on Saturday afternoon from J-Dawg (a fellow bridesmaid in the upcoming nuptuals of Jetswim and Sadow) and the bride herself. They were spending the afternoon before the bridal shower updating themselves on my quest right here in Charm city. One of the first things they noticed, was a frequent character and antagonist in my sojourn, the Leader of the Pride. They offered their opinion that the Leader is, in fact, a collossal douchebag (my friends are so intuitive). I had to explain to the girls that Mr. Pride is one of those guys who thinks he's cooler and sexier than he is.
Which brings me to my point of the day. For every suave and charming guy out there (The George Clooney types), the kind of guys that girls just swoon over, there are about 20 douchebags out there who think that they are Gods gift not only to women, but the world around them. Guess what? Girls want to feel desired. A girl is going to be much more attracted to a guy who is confident and persistant and who knows how to compliment said girl. The opposite are the arrogant guys who think that the girl should swoon just because he decided to talk to her. You know what? YOU'RE NOT THAT COOL! You're not that attractive and in fact, you kind of make me want to boot. I don't want to hear that you played Division One Lacrosse or that you once judged a wet tee shirt contest in Cancun. I want you to tell me that I am charming and attractive and any guy would be lucky to be with me! And for Thad's sake, grow a pair and make the first move. Your friends and family will be much more impressed when they hear that a guy approached you, not overly intoxicated, and flat out said that he liked you and would like to take you out. And by taking you out, I mean to a nice dinner. Not to go for a walk around the Harbor outside. And if a guy wants to buy a girl a drink, don't hand her a wad of cash and send her to the bar by herself (ahem Leader of the Pride) because then the girl feels more like a hooker than a lady.
But do you know what type of guys I find the most pathetic? The ones that come up behind you while you're dancing with your girls at the bar and make their way closer and closer until in fact they have reached their goal of grinding up against your entrance to the butt depot. I mean honestly, what do these guys expect? Do they honestly think that you are just going be so aroused by their awkward dancing and turn around to immediately reverse makeout? I don't think so! I mean would you buy a used car from an add on craiglist without taking a test drive? No. Then why would you be so excited to hook up with a guy sight unseen? Unless you're a ho... fo sho!
Finally, I have to share this lovely story from saturday night. A group of us went out in Fed Hill to celebrate CEE's birthday and decided on a pub crawl to all of the most infamous bars on Cross Street. After listening to some pretty horrendous karaoke at Nevins, the most amazing performer EVER got up and sang the "best effing karoke we've ever heard!" He started out with a rather erotic rendition of When Doves Cry, complete with a little flash of the beer gut. Then, much to his dismay, the second song he requested came on. That's right he treated us all to a little Greatest Love of All. I like to think that he was singing directly to me. After reminiscing about the night with some coworkers, I decided I missed an opportunity to break the streak wtih a perfect candidate. He was drunk and tone deaf... a man after my own heart.
But I think my favorite person of the night was a guy I spotted across the bar at Crazy Lils. This guy epitomized the Jersey guido in Baltimore. He was overly tan, spent more time at the gym pumping iron than earning a living and had more hair gel in his hair than Cameron Diaz in There's Something About Mary. But what completed his outfit? I think it was: THE MESH SHIRT! It was beyond sexy and all that was missing was a fanny pack. Ok who wears a mesh shirt after 1987? And really what is the purpose of the mesh shirt... are you spending so much time at the gym that you can no longer a shirt without holes in it? Am I supposed to be turned on at the sight of your nipples? I guess that's what the appeal of the mesh shirt is: nipple exposure and the potential to get a classy girl who thinks to herself, Damn, look at those nipples, sexy. I'm sorry, I dont want to see Brad Pitt's nipples let alone some random Jersey guy's nipples at a bar. I consider that a visual assault!
Ho Fo' Sho,
Anita Mann
posted by KAKalac @ 9:11 PM
2 Comments:
At 11:00 PM,
Anonymous said…
i am following your advice and going out tomorrow night with a fellow zebra to attract some lions..two girls in a bar in the financial district. To quote my partner in crime, "It's like fishing with dynamite".
I'll report back tomorrow...and I am definitely going to wear a mesh shirt. "THanks for the tip."
At 11:45 AM,
Anonymous said…
Wait, mesh shirts are out of style? Where have I been? Oh well, at least I can still wear my cuffed-and-pleated khaki Dockers. Those will never go out of style.
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