The Bend And Snap Incident of 2006

Today I need to start out saying hello to a few people out in Denver. First and foremost, is Denver SLG and the one and only Denver SLG icon, Justin Z (I heart you!). Also, hello to "8 Shot Hot Shot" Laurie and her ND interns. It was because of these interns that I realized that for those of you who read my diary and do not know who I am probably think that I am some this heinous fat girl and the reason why I cannot get a date is not because the dating world is difficult, but because I am down right ugly. Well, lets just say that on scale of Linda Tripp to Jennifer Aniston, I fall somewhere in the range of Carney Wilson (post Gastric Bypass).

Today during lunch, I took the GSSM tip of a few days ago and ate outside in a crowded area. A few friends and I ate at one of the tables at the local out door strip mall and did some serious people watching. After seeing one bonerrific young professional wearing the trendy hot blue shirt and yellow tie, the decent male population became sparse. Then he came out of Panera in a blaze of glory. Yes, it was Kevin Federline's long lost w.t. brother from baltimore. There he was in his white sneakers, khaki shorts and white beater. I'm pretty sure he didn't have a drivers license because he was clearly with his father and grandmother walking around the mall. Yet he attempted to keep a comfortable distance away from them to let others think that maybe he wasn't with the elderly but not to let his fam know that he was not, in fact, embarassed to be around them. And let me tell you, this was one classy dude. When he saw a girl walk by, I mean ANY girl, this kid would stare for an inappropriate amount of time. There was no sly look or even the up and down. No this guy was just flat out staring at these girls like a fat kid stares at cake.

So of course my lunch time companions and myself pointed and laughed out our poor gawking friend. But I figured this would be a good opportunity to test out my femininity on a dude that I have absolutely zero interest in and thus do not care of making a fool of myself. Besides, I figured now was the opportunity to take the Leader of The Pride's advise and lower my standards. Although, when I told him this story upon my return, he advised that I dont need to completely shut off all remaining standards I have left. So what do I do when he rounds the corner? Well the only obvious choice: The Bend And Snap works every time! No we all know how to do the bend and snap, but for those of you who live under a rock, its pretty basic. First you drop something on the ground to pick up. Then you beeeend and snap! The trick is to have enough bend and a quick snap.

So as my prey was making his way to the garbage can, a good 7 feet in front of his dad. I make my way over with the excuse I need to throw away my drink. As I approach the garbage can, I conveniently drop my car keys on the floor. So as I bend over to pick them up, I flirtily push my bum (aka Lois, my secretaries) up in the air as high as I could and I snapped back up. This is where things went terribly wrong. When you're wearing a polo shirt and khakis, it doesn't really look that cute when your ginormous ass is sticking up in the air for everyone to see. I might as well have painted a bulls eye on my derriere and had someone shoot me with an arrow to put me out of my misery. To top it all off, I totally missed the mark of my intended snapee. I hesitated and my knight in shining beater ended up walking by as I dropped my keys so the only person who got a good look at my rump was his father who was assisting the grandmother with the task of walking. CURSES, FOILED AGAIN!

Maybe it doesn't work every time,
Anita Mann